Dear B,
Thank you for being so flexible with all my appointments during pregnancy.
Thank you for letting me work from home. It really helps with being able to make daycare drop off and pickup.
Thank you for never complaining to me about my pumping schedule.
Thank you for making the transition back to work so much easier.
Why haven’t you met with me at all since I returned to work? I’ve been back for eight months and we’ve finally met to do my performance review on the previous year. A year filled with pregnancy, appointments, nausea, braxton hicks, pregnancy brain, never calling out sick during pregnancy, the birth of my first child, and a four month maternity leave. My review is bad. I’m considered professional, but unreliable. This is the worst review I’ve ever had in my life at work. I’m not doing as much work as others. I try to explain pumping takes up 1.5 hours of my work days, sleep deprivation is real and a struggle, but it doesn’t seem to matter. The fact that I never called out sick while pregnant doesn’t count for anything either. I don’t blame you for your concerns, but can’t help but feel hurt. I’m disappointed in my own work performance, but still can’t seem to muster much more. I’m a living breathing zombie.
I feel nervous that you’re already mentioning things you want me to do for when I no longer pump. I don’t have an end in sight for breastfeeding and pumping and feel uncomfortable when you tell me this, but I bite my tongue and agree.
I still find myself crying throughout some work days. Longing for my baby, and a well rested brain to do my job. I know I’m not the only woman going through this. I know there are women with children who manage more on their plate at work and home than me. Every person is different. I am probably the second woman in our office to breastfeed and I’m much different than the other woman. I’m being held to an expectation that I can’t fulfill. I need to focus all my pumping time on my baby to produce and pump as much breast milk as possible. This involves looking at pictures of my baby and watching videos of him. If I don’t do this, I pump a lot less milk. I value my breastfeeding connection with my baby and do not want to lose that until it comes naturally for me and my baby. This is very important to me.
I’m thankful for your patience, but not sure how much is genuine anymore. I’m afraid of this reset button you want to press to get back on track at work. I can’t press reset when my whole life has changed forever.